Friday, August 16, 2013


Scene:  Uptown - about 5 pm-ish

Local art center co-owner (to us):     "You should come by at 6.  We have a performance artist doing an interpretation on the burning of Joan of Arc."

Spouse: "um............... what time?"

Local art center co-owner:    "6 pm - you'll come, right?"

(Local art center co-owner then dashes into nearby  intersection to attempt to recruit unfortunates who have worked at their title companies too late and the homeless)

Me:  "I'd rather hurl myself into traffic."

Scene: Home - 6:15 pm.  Cocktail Hour is in full swing

Smartphone rings: "Film Noir Tone"

Me:  (Checks phone)

Spouse:  "Stopped in for a minute... It was fucking stupid."

Me:  "Of course it was, you spaz."

Spouse:  "Dick."

Me: "I didn't see it , did I?  Loser"

Marriage is wonderful.  Support marriage equality.

Performance art is generally very bad.  Do not support performance art.

Friday, August 09, 2013

Went there. Not proud.

I had a hollow victory today.

During a week of attempting to reach a Brand Name Storm Door company customer service person by telephone to order a replacement rolling screen, I was thwarted each time by a recording that apologized that my call could not be taken due to unusually high customer volume and then hung up on.

Calling the Brand Name Storm Door parent company's central service line, I was summarily ported over to the storm door division line and again dumped.

By email, I was able to ascertain the correct door model number and part number, but was unable to order on line.  I was then sent to a variety of other telephone numbers that all resolved at the same goddamned line that hangs up on you.

Yesterday - I blew.

After yet another failed attempt to reach the much vaunted and mysterious storm door division, I wrote an email back, explaining that I wanted a representative to call me within 24 hours to help me order this goddamned $35 screen and that I found it ridiculous in the year 2013 that I was unable to order it on line.

Had I stopped there - I would have been fine.

But no.

I had to go to Dick Level 4.

I apparently also felt it was my solemn duty - working for a Fortune 5 company, as I informed them - to educate them on the importance of  negative client experiences on their brand AND the added collateral damage of having such an obvious division exist publicly between their parent company and this division.  This is my job, people!!

It's a slippery slope on the Dick scale.

Once committed, I easily slipped into Dick Level 5.

I finally informed them that if I did NOT hear from a representative within the allotted time period, I would rip the door out with my bare hands, replace it with a competitor's product, photograph it -  and blog, tweet and Facebook until my brains exploded out of my ears - all over their lack of reasonable and competent customer service.


I felt okay and a little proud of myself about it until about 2:15 this afternoon when the phone rang, registering a Caller ID for an Unavailable number I didn't recognize.   Curious, I phoned back and found myself connected to a storm door company.

The highly courteous lady answering the telephone listened to my story and immediately connected me with yet another very nice and helpful sounding customer service lady.

I expressed my wish to order a screen replacement, gave her the product number and my contact information and credit card information.  She thanked me for my order and informed me that the product should arrive within the week.


I hung up.  Mortified.  These women that I don't know might only ever have one  impression of me - no matter how polite and grateful I sounded on the phone.

He's a total dick.

And they'd be right.


Monday, May 13, 2013

Congratulations, Minnesota and Delaware!

Bitches be crying.

I have a special place in my little Empire State heart for the fact that this photo was taken when New York passed marriage equality.

And a little Photoshop magic: just know that Marcus is somewhere secret, dancing...

And then there is the Mister.....


Sunday, February 03, 2013

So - here's the thing...

The latest flap in the Same Sex Marriage (or as we who only recently gained the ability to marry call it. 'Marriage Equality') debate centers around a baker in Oregon who declined to take an order for a wedding cake for a female couple.  According to the couple in question, he also called them an abomination against God, which is why they are pissed and possibly suing him.

Okay - I've been called the very same thing by both people who do not know me and by some who are actually related to me by blood.  Not nice, but hey - I don't follow your sky fairy playbook, anyway - so piss off.

The thing is - and this is what bothers me - is the money quote here:

What Klein wants to make clear is that he and his wife do not hate homosexuals.

"They can buy my stuff," said Klein.  "I'll sell them stuff ... I'll talk to them, it's fine."

Well, thank you very much.    You dick.    You amazing asshole.   Really???

This is what bothers me most about this whole debate.  It's the idea that - "oh yeah, I'll take gay peoples' money - but only when I choose to and under my conditions."

Okay - that's fine.  But I feel very strongly that you need to make your feelings plain in ALL of your business dealings.

I was very fortunate in that when I planned and executed my wedding a year and a half ago, I didn't have any of these problems.  The hubby was the florist, of course, and we used a local officiant (and friend - yay, Louis!), caterer (epic friend and hero!), liquor store, bakery and beer maker.

Nobody batted an eye. In fact, some were delighted that we were their first same sex wedding.

But had they balked , I probably would have said 'thanks for your time but you will never see another dime of my money."

Because it comes down to this.  If it's okay for you to take my money for the majority of my patronage of your business or service - then when does it become okay for you to say, "oh - well  - this is different. This conflicts with my beliefs."

No.  You have implicitly led me to believe that you welcome my money. But then you tell me it's cool for one thing but not another.

Again.  No.

This is easy to avoid.  If you, as a wedding or hospitality product or service provider, feel that providing your product or service in support of a same gender wedding - then you had damned well better put a sign up on your front door and a note in your advertisements.  Because otherwise, you're not playing fair.

You need a sign that says:

"As a matter of personal belief, this establishment chooses not to provide products or services for same sex marriages."


Then I know.  But that also allows me to choose where I spend my money the rest of the time.I can walk away without getting my hopes dashed and knowing that I need never worry about patronizing you again.

And that's why anti-equality business owners will never do this - because it puts their bigotry and their greed on display.  

It's like - "Yeah - you'll sell me a goddamned cookie but you won't make my wedding cake (which by the way, is WAY more profitable for you)."

But now we're "them" - the others.  The undesirables. The 'not-normals'.

"I'll sell them stuff ... I'll talk to them, it's fine."

You know what?  No. It's not fine.  Not for me, anyway. 

Tell you what.

Find yourself a nice sheet of paper and a marker and let the world know how you feel before someone ends up in an awkward situation.  Tape it on your front door and show the world how strong your belief system is.

And if you're lucky - really lucky - you might rummage around in a closet or basement in you shop and find an old sign you can write on the back of ... that says "Whites Only."

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

After Sandy

I'm happy to report that the worst has passed and we were EXTREMELY fortunate.  No loss of power, no damage.

The winds and rain died down after about 11:00 last night and, for a brief time, we had clear skies and a gorgeous view of the full moon.

Others around us were not so lucky.  Friends, family and coworkers across New York, New Jersey and Connecticut are without power, hot water, heat or Internet access.  Some are temporarily displaced.

Now there is a kind of collective fatigue.

You don't realize how much energy you spend preparing for and dreading something - mental energy spent thinking about worst case scenarios.

And here in New York, we're in shock.  Life has been temporarily interrupted - with no known time for being back on line.

All mass transit is halted.  Businesses and schools are closed.  In fact, my work site is blacked out and the entire division's web site is down - our servers off line.

It's like we're all sitting here, catching our breath and waiting to see what happens next.

Thank you for all your good wishes - they apparently worked. 

I hope you are all well.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Hunkerin' down

Well, kids - it's a little crazy around here today.  This windy cow is getting closer to landfall and I'm already hearing reports about trees coming down near here.  

The streets are empty except for a few kids on bikes.  There's a pretty steady wind blowing - lots of heavy gusts.

It's a weird feeling to have to sit and wait, knowing what's coming.  I kind of prefer the surprise factor of earthquakes and tornadoes over this.  It's kind of like someone telephoning you ahead of time to tell you that they will be dropping by later on to fire some bullets at you.

Anyway, we're provisioned up, battened down and safe and sound for the duration.

Stay safe and see you soon!

Oh good.  

Now the Hurricane of 2012 will go down in our neighbor's memory as the night my drunk gay husband scared the fuck out of her by beating on her window to invite her for dinner.

Oy vey.

Friday, October 12, 2012

So, the truth is this...

As much grief as I gave you, honey - I'm kinda missin' the porn 'stache.

Dress up!!!

Life with Mom: Soup night

So - tonight:  Roasted garlic, bacon, beer and potato soup for dinner (beer and garlic, my suggestion).

Me:  "Mom - this smells fantastic."

Mom:  "Did you taste it?"


Me: "AAH! This is epic!!"

Mom:  "it's okay."

Me:  "What do you mean, 'it's okay'? This is incredible!!"

Mom: "It's unusual flavors.  It's ...okay."

Me: "This from the woman who never had pumpkin soup until last week."

Mom: "Shut up. It's okay..."

Tune in next week, when Mom learns to accept a goddamned compliment.