Friday, February 29, 2008

Hell

equals still being too sick to do anything

yet being well enough to be bored out of your frigging mind.

Sweet, merciful release


Day three of the Black Death: I wish for death. It's gotta be better than this.

Imagine being as sick as you've ever been - and being sleep deprived because you've been hacking and hacking and hacking for 36 hours straight.

I can't lay down flat or I stop breathing and/or start coughing again. Every joint in my body feels like it's been repeatedly wrenched in improper directions.

My back feels like I've been whacked non-stop by two burly, angry ex-cons with two-by-fours. From the inside...

Mommy... : (

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Mayhem! Foolishness!


Why I loves me some Niecy Nash on Clean House...

As I was trying not to hack up a lung with my current case of Black Death last evening, my job was not made easier by Niecy.

Two great lines in one show.

"I'm gonna smack the taste right out of your mouth."

and in her closing.

"Oh Miss Niecy, what about my mayhem? What about my foolishness? What about my gay husband?"

Needless to say - it did not help the anti-hacking cause.

Hmm - that first one might eventually replace my personal favorite threat " I'm gonna snatch you bald" (interchangeable with "snatch you dead.)

I is rizen...

just long enough to share this.





Back to the death bed.

Carry on.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Things you'd never expect

After stumbling across the Garfield minus Garfield site this morning, it seems that the comical cat is merely a shill, disguising a stifled plea for help by the strip's artist.

I found that without Garfield, Jon appeared to be an unmedicated depressive - possibly bipolar - character, entering a mid-life crisis, alternating between hyper-critical introspection and ennui.

Apparently, I was close, as the site introductory text states:

Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life?

Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and methamphetamine addiction in a quiet American suburb.

See - I was right. Go me.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Are you smarter than a home buyer?

As previously posted here, our neighbor Linda is selling her house. A realtor herself, Linda is meeting with the prospective home buyers checking out her house.

The parade of stupid questions she has received has already been the subject of many over-the-fence laugh fests for us.

So, to help her prepare for the continuing twit-fest, my dear other half Brian came up with a list of additional questions to help her prepare:

Hi there, I had a couple of house questions for you.

1) If you have a basement and attic, doesn't that make your house a 4 story house?

2) Will you be taking the paint off the walls and if so, could you leave a sample behind so I can match it and repaint?

3) It says that you have one bathroom, where is the other one?

4) If you put a new roof on 10 years ago and it is a 30 year roof, does that make the house 10 years old?

5) How many steps are on the stair case to go upstairs? My mother is in a wheel chair and this information is helpful.

6) Are the shelves in the kitchen lined with shelf paper? I would hate to gut the kitchen because of no shelf paper.

7) When I drove by I saw wood on the back porch. Does your fireplace work or is the wood for show?

8) Do the house keys match the hardware on the door?

9) Does the bathroom door lock? I like to have my private time.

Thank you for you time.

lolcat du jour

I married a gay man


As someone who never struggled with their sexual identity - even though that identity placed me in the "minority" - I'm often moved to hear the experiences of others who weren't as fortunate.

But the ones I truly feel for - although some might argue that they are victims of blind prejudice or somehow emotionally incapable of seeing the truth - are the unfortunate spouses and partners of those who continue to struggle, and end up damaging numerous lives.

I found an interesting article on MSNBC this morning, "I married a gay man." The marvelous thing about this article is the journey of introspection and self-discovery made by this wife of a "down-low" military husband. It begins:

"You have chlamydia," my obstetrician told me as I lay on the examining table, six months pregnant with my fourth child. "You've got to talk to your husband." I was in total disbelief. "This is impossible," I protested. "We're both monogamous." But of course I knew that wasn't really true, and the doctor's words forced me to finally acknowledge what I'd suspected for a long time: My husband was most likely gay.

Although her and her children's lives were very much changed, she doesn't blame. Instead, she looks for and finds possible causes for the deception, as well as for her denial - and ends on a positive note of support.

"I have marched for gay rights and spoken about my experience to groups of gay fathers, because I believe it was intolerance and the fear of homosexuality that put me and my family through complete hell — and I hope none of that was in vain."

You can read the entire article here.

Friday, February 22, 2008

SNOWED IN!!!

Here's the view outside - we may get as much as a foot of snow today.

So you know what that means!

Yep - we jumped in the Santa Fe and headed uptown to Le Canarde for some of Jean Jacque's fabulous French onion soup and red wine.

Brian followed with the confit of duck on mesclun greens - while I enjoyed the seared ahi tuna on soba noodles.

The waitress brought a bottle of wine to try - and it turned out to be Menage e Trois from Folie a Deux winery in St Helena, on the north end of the Napa Valley.

What a way to start the weekend. And God - we are fabulous.

A great lady passes

We learned last week - with great regret - that a wonderful and colorful and charming lady had passed. Brian's Aunt Ruth.

She was 87 - had been married for 53 years before losing her husband Charles to cancer, lost a daughter at a very young age, and doted on her three grandchildren by her only son, Charles Jr.

Brian and I had - and still have - a special place in our hearts for Aunt Ruth. When we first moved to Vermont, she was delighted to have us nearby. And any little thing we ever did for her (including ninja chicken soup runs when she wasn't feeling well and would refuse to see people) was the most wonderful thing anyone had ever done.

In fact, when Brian made her a Christmas wreath one year, it hung on her garage for years to follow. She'd point at that damned rotting thing anytime anyone came by to make sure they knew her nephew made it for her. For all we know, the dead brown thing is still there - plaid ribbon and all.

And she loved dogs. Never in my life have I met someone who loved dogs so much. In her last few years, she had Shawna - a sleek black and brown mini dachsund - always by her side. In fact, Shawna had her own padded, elevated and cantilevered seat in the passenger seat of Aunt Ruth's Corolla - just so she could see out the window.

I truly believe that Aunt Ruth thought that people - in general - had a lot of work to do to be as worthwhile as a dog.

Aunt Ruth was a road warrior - and slavishly devoted to her grandkids - carting them to soccer games, basketball games, school events, you name it. This woman drove.

But most of all - Aunt Ruth was warm and loveable and smart. And opinionated as the day is long - mostly about her selfish ass of a son.

And she will be missed.

We love you, old dear. Safe journey.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Lest we forget


Sambuca!
Sambuca!
Sambuca!

One of these days, she finally gonna show up and get the living the HELL outta my house.

The Asus is here!


This is my first blog post using the world's cutest damn little computer.

Right out of the box, it was intuitive, snappy and picked up wireless right away. I was online in seconds.

This is gonna be great for traveling.

Once I get used to the tiny little keyboard. But, all things in time, eh?

Monday, February 18, 2008

There is no global warming

So - why am I sitting in the Hudson Valley today with the windows open on February 18th - a balmy 62 degree breeze airing out the winter doldrums - while a neighbor is out shoveling ice and snow into the street so it will melt faster?

New toys


Well - since this is going to be our first big European holiday, what better excuse to upgrade to some new gadgetry to bring us into the 21st century realm of travel.

First off - since we're going to be touring Rome, Latina, Naples, Pompeii and Herculaneum - a new digital camera. Sadly - our five year old 3 mpx digital looks like a supertanker powered by oars compared to the new, smaller, higher resolution ones on the market today. So - first purchase - a Kodak Easy Share M753 - about the size of a modest man's wallet. 7 megapixels of digital joy!

And for researching sights to see - as well as live-blogging our trip and uploading those digital images to our Flickr account - an Asus Eee mini laptop. Weighing in at around 2 lbs, and measuring 8.86" (W) x 6.3" (D) x 1.26" (H) - this Linux-based laptop has everything we need for staying connected without breaking our backs (or taking the company laptop - eeek).

The Asus comes preloaded with Firefox web browser, Thunderbird email client, an Open Document Format office suite (take that Microsoft) and a variety of cool programs - all Linux based.

The great Satan in Redmond is feeling a little cramp in his monopolized ass right about now, I hope.

Add in one handy-dandy voltage converter and a shitload of AAA batteries - and you'll be up to the minute on our exploits.

I am almost tempted to secure a handheld Italian-English translator as well.

But hey - there's no sense in overkill, is there?

Sunday, February 17, 2008

OMG - we're really going.


We are actually going to Italy in March - I just bought our tickets today.

We'll be meeting friends from California in Rome for the weekend, then taking the train down to the Tyrrhenean Sea town of Gaeta.

We're renting an apartment there - right in the heart of the medieval city.

We plan to bask in Gaeta's history, as well as take trips to the Ponza Islands, Naples, Pompeii and Herculaneum.

Then a week later, we'll all reconvene in Rome and head for home.

Oh my god - now I have a zillion other things to do. Arrange pet care, get Euros, learn Italian.

Aaaaah!

Friday, February 15, 2008

The real meaning of friendship


Our lovely and treasured neighbor and friend Linda has just demonstrated what it means to be a true and loyal friend.

Linda is in the process of selling her home to relocate to Seattle where she hopes to embark on an exciting new chapter of her life.

She was contacted today by a realtor who wanted to show her home - she said she would just do a drive by, but ended up stopping by anyway. In tow were an elderly couple - both using their cell phones.

As Linda opened her door, the husband immediately began barking questions at her - "How many bedrooms?!" - all while he and his wife rudely continued to talk on their cell phones.

Now - Linda does not suffer fools gladly. In fact, in the right circumstances, I could see her sending a couple fools on an express train to the afterlife.

Her blood boiling at being barked at by someone without the decency to even act civilly, she saw the offending party begin to head upstairs.

"You are not welcome upstairs," she said.

Then she asked if they would please leave.

Since I was out salting ice in the driveway, I heard the loud voices as they arrived and witnessed their hurried, flustered exit.

My phone was ringing before I could even get inside.

"OH MY GOD," she cried. "Did you see those people just now?"

"I did," I said. "What happened?"

She then regaled me with the horrifying minutes of what had just passed.

And then Linda said," I could not do that to you guys. Those people are awful. There is no WAY they are ever buying my house."

And that, folks, is why we love her.

Booya!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Binary, baby

Just when you thought there weren't any worthwhile time-wasters out there.

How about rendering yourself in ASCII, HTML or Matrix code? Check it out at http://www.text-image.com/index.html

Friday, February 08, 2008

Because I can



Sambuca Liqueur!
Sambuca Liqueur!
Sambuca Liqueur!

Friggin' BeetleJuice would have whacked someone for me by now.

Worship me at your peril

It's been an exciting week. I've had multiple job opportunities opened up to me within my company this week. I've been spoken highly of at our Internal and Executive Communications Council (by the world's coolest boss). And my BFF Peter has awakened my desire for an entourage and an exclusive circle.

Let's get those resumes in order, kids.

No telling where this is going.

: )

Older = spicier

Okay - I don't normally go in for these on-line "tests" - but this one piqued my interest. Mostly because I find that as I get older, I become more of the "me" I always thought/hoped/wanted to be.

I love being my age - it's 44 for anyone keeping track - because people mistake me for being in my 30s. I don't know if that's because fat people don't wrinkle or - more likely - that laughter and joy keeps you young.

I never plan - but I plan to never look or act my age. Life is too fucking (sorry) wonderful to be tied to a number.

Red. I'm going dancing.









Take this test!


Your color is red, the color of racy sportscars, blushing cheeks, and luscious roses. Red symbolizes passion, romance, and love. So, since you're ruled by red, you probably trust your feelings more than your brain and tend to act spontaneously. If you see something you want, you go for it without thinking twice — impulsive is your middle name. You don't wait around for people to make decisions, either; you dive right in. Quite the romantic, you pay close attention to your emotions. In fact, if your heart isn't in what you're doing, you won't be satisfied. Of course, even when you do pour all your energy into the projects you tackle, your impetuous nature means your passions can shift as frequently as the wind. That's why some reds have trouble with commitment. Our advice? Next time you're feeling fickle, think before you act, if possible. You might be surprised at the results. Overall, though, it's great to be red. No one lives life more completely than you do.



Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Say it isn't true


While reading another blog, I was just enlightened to the fact that there is such a thing as "balloon fetish porn."

I need to go curl up in a fetal position and whimper in the corner for a while.

Monday, February 04, 2008

LOLTags

Okay - I've stopped laughing/crying just enough to say that - while I leave it to the good and honorable folks at "Sadly, No" to de-pants the political Olean -leakage that is Jonah Goldberg's "Liberal Fascism" (note: he is the son of literary agent/Linda Tripp confidante/Monica blue dress keeping advisor Lucianne Goldberg) - all you have to do is read the tags on Amazon to understand what a paste-licker this guy is.

I dare you not to laugh. "Banged out by howler monkeys" is my current favorite.

Here's the top few:

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Funny

Just in time for Valentine's day!

Check out the candy heart generator and send a special message to someone you loathe...er, love.


FUN


I never thought about turning my neighborhood squirrels into darling little lamps. And with today's wireless lighting and ceiling fan technology, I'll bet I could create a fantasy carousel of illuminated rodents - right above my dining table!


....or Squirrel!

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Scenes from the Ghettoford

Our closest Hannaford grocery store - known to our circle of friends locally as the Ghettoford - carries a particular line of peanuts that are unsalted. We love them, but they are frequently sold out.

In their wisdom, Hannaford places these peanuts on the lowest shelf in the nut and chips aisle, directly behind a large post.

To acquire these delicacies, when they are in stock, requires one to either squat, bend over - both equally attractive positions, assuredly -- or to grasp the pole, using it for support, sliding down in a bent knee position to grab the peanuts - then use the pole to slide back up to a fully standing one.

I normally choose the latter.

Today, after excusing myself to the gentleman perusing different varieties of mixed cocktail nuts, I executed this maneuver only to find that the last jar of peanuts was waaaay back on the bottom shelf.

This caused me to re-adjust my strategy, - requiring me to slide back up the post, change position slightly and slide down again. Then, the precious object procured, I slid back up to a standing position.

I heard the cocktail nut buyer chuckle and when I turned, he fished out a dollar bill and offered to tuck it in my coat collar.

It was so funny, I nearly let him.