"Now with the twice the awards as a week-and-a-half ago"
Gee whiz, kids - I've been called a lot of things but never award-winning - well, except for the high school feature writing competition in Salina, Kansas back in 1981 where I rose, Sally Field-like, from a rank of lowly cartoonist I was called in to pinch hit for the feature writer who had fallen ill, only to sweep the category and propel the Emporia High School Journalism class to undreamed-of heights of prominence among Kansas High Schools.
My life has been so empty ever since...
Our heroine pauses, examining the ruined finery that has come to define her life ever since the boll weevils came, destroying the crops. She pauses only to take a sip from the ever-present bottle of acrid, low-price gin. She wipes a tear from her cheek, glances longingly at the shellacked and yellowing piece of paper on her wall and continues...
Huh? oh. yeah. right.
Anyway. The lovely edder at I don't care for your tone has recognized my humble blog with the Honest Blogger award - an award presented by others to those "whose blog's content or design is, in the giver's opinion, brilliant."
What a compliment. I've been called many things but brilliant isn't usually in the mix. Random, damnably cheerful, disturbing - but not brilliant.
But I bow and thank edder - whose blog I find to be a constant and reliable source of honest candor, wry amusement and biting wit (and no small amount of dysfunctional kinship and snark) - gratefully for the recognition.
As a recipient, it appears that I must share ten honest things about myself. As regular readers know, I started wearing my shame on my sleeve some decades ago. In addition to a belief that honesty is always best and that 'Karma in this lifetime is a bitch so why not be who you truly are', I tried carrying my shame in my pocket and it kept stealing money and prank calling people.
So , with that understanding - here we go:
- I am an uncharacteristically bad Virgo. I display none of the most positive traits, nor any of the more negative traits. My soul-expression would be better suited by an astrological sign based on the comedy act of Wayland and Madame. That I share a birthday with Ivan the Terrible should surprise no one.
- I have explored many alternative religions and belief systems, most of which have their own Zodiac. In each case, my sign or spirit totem is generally a small fluffy animal with big eyes that I would normally spit-roast or incorporate into a dish requiring a wine-based reduction.
- I have no truck with stupid people. I simply can not be bothered. This is reflected by my belief in legalizing retroactive family planning.
- I have been knocked unconscious more times than must be generally healthy for any living being. This has prepared me well for functional alcoholism.
- I generally like animals more than people - but disdain either if they are yappy, prone to shaking, poo on the floor, or fit in a purse.
- I have very few regrets in life. I tried to get my shame to eat the two remaining ones, but even it was horrified and ran away screaming.
- I am a devotee of good manners and politeness. But I'll cut you if you cross me.
- I lost my virtue to the original Star Wars soundtrack.
- My last three years in High School can be most adequately be described as 'future heterosexual proving ground.'
- I am a great friend and, despite many other character flaws, a damned good person.
However, I plan to cogitate on that duty for a bit - my #11 would be that I am terribly indecisive when it comes to decisions like these. I hate leaving people out and don't wish to offend others.
So - I will simply say "thank you for the honor of your recognition and for the pleasure of your company" and exit the room with a slight bow at the waist.
As any well-mannered gentleman would.
Plus, it's cocktail hour and I'm late.