So, as I lay myself bare with yet another round of "get to know you" kind of questions - sit back, fasten your seatbelts, and return your tray tables and seats to their upright positions.
- Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
Space does not allow me to list them all.
Let’s just say that removing every trailer/shack-dwelling, booger eating, underwear-striping, confederate flag waving, illiterate, American red-necked yahoo and their obese, anti-everything that ain’t white and stupid progeny (and yes, I realize this means most of my extended family), -- breathe! -- Christian evangelicals and every damned Republican would be a very, very good start.
- How do you flush the toilet in public?
Commode – with my foot. Urinal – elbow.
- Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
ALWAYS!! Oh my god, with my record of accidents not caused by me, I’d be dead otherwise. I apparently have a bull’s-eye painted on the back of my head and a little sign on my rear window that says “Hit me and you’ll orgasm.”
There is no reason NOT to wear one – except suicide. But not in my car, my little biscuit. Even my obese and rabidly anti-seatbelt father is forced to wear one in my car. I always remind him that a) I am not paying a fine for his stupidity, and b) that I am the one who gets to decide where to put him away in his dotage. For him, it’s the belt or the ice floe.
- Do you have a crush on someone? Oh, my – rarely, beyond the man I still rush home to see (or would if I wasn’t a mobile employee) after 19 years. But I am currently (and somewhat ashamedly) totally crushing on the gay kid in Glee. He emits that stylish Celtic nerd/fag underachiever that so attracted me in high school.
- Name one thing you worry about running out of.
Mixers. That’s my signal that I need to go to the grocery. I can whup up a wicked Gai Tom Ka out of just the staples I always seem to have, but I’m sorry – I need to mix my vodka or bourbon with something.
- What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
I used to get John Ritter from Three’s Company days. Once, I was shattered when someone said I looked like John Candy. These days, self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s Candy-time.
- What is your favourite pizza topping?
Meat. And the more, the better.
- Do you crack your knuckles?
I do – not as much as I used to. Especially in public – it’s inconsiderate (albeit fun to see people wince). I also crack my neck, my back, my knees and my ankles – and sometimes when the moon is just right, I manage to crack the bunion on my right foot free long enough for me to enjoy a few moments of blissful absence of throbbing pain. The latter is usually accompanied by one of those weird pain/ecstasy shrieks you so seldom run across in your later years.
- What song do you hate the most?
Any of the blatantly patriotic pap that has emerged on the Country Western scene during the Bush years. Makes me want to puke on anyone from Texas.
- Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
No – but I’ve been watching Glee clips, so I have “It’s my life” running through it.
- What are your super powers?
I am able to put anyone at ease. I am totally self-effacing, unpretentious and wear my shame on my sleeve like a tap-dancing gibbon in stiletto heels waving sparklers.
But if you f*** me over, I will make sure your future consists of being a vague, bad smell in a place where no one will ever find you.
- Peppermint or spearmint?
They’re different? Oh yeah – like wintergreen. I always think of urinals. What?.............
- Where are your car keys?
On the bakers rack in the sunroom.
- Last song you listened to?
Queen – The Show Must Go On
- What's your most annoying habit?
Oh, where to start…I’m going to go with my random-ness.
My co-workers can never guess what will come out of my mouth on a business call or in a meeting. I had a website migration call yesterday where I used the terms “old and busted” and “new hotness.” I have also quoted The Joy Luck Club and use the word “festouche” freely.
- Where did you last go on vacation?
Italy – it seems like ages ago. We LOVED it. Especially Rome.
- What is your best physical feature?
Over the years, I have been seduced over my torso, my legs, my hair, my eyes, and anything and everything including my eyebrows, in fact (he was a freak – yow.... ).
But at this point in my life, I’m going with winning smile and engaging nature (and my 401K and stock portfolio).
- What CD is closest to you right now?
Oh shit – Enya.
- What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Mixers (see above), orange or cranberry juices (if it has juice in it, it counts as breakfast), and cheese (no one knows why….).
- What superstition do you believe/practice?
None. Although, I confess to a certain nervousness now about putting my shoes on the bed after seeing our super-girlie Boston gay Italian friend lose his shit over it when I did it at his apartment some years ago.
- What colour are your bed sheets?
Depends on the day – we favour solids in brown, green and tan to complement our Indian paisley duvet set. What they have in common is that they are all covered in black and white dog fur.
- Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
Fish suck – I wanna poop on people.
- Last thing you broke?
Let’s just say my kitchen smells of an enticing mélange of Middle Eastern spices after a bottle of Ras El Hanout fell behind the microwave while I was refilling my vodka tonic.
- What are you having to eat tonight?
Baked pork ribs and potatoes with a side of some yet to be determined vegetable.
- What colour shirt are you wearing?
- If you could be doing anything else today, what would you rather be doing?
Find myself snuggled under a lovely cotton blanket on the sofa, an engaging novel in hand – and an unfinished Manhattan cocktail on the table next to me.
- Do security cameras make you nervous?
Oh my god. I LIVE FOR THEM….
Face it – I will NEVER be on TV otherwise.
- If you wrote a book about your life, what would the title be?
"If the Rapture comes - I'm taking your stuff."
- Last time you went to a cemetery?
I have video footage of my family having a picnic at my grandmother’s grave site. I was three. That was the last time.
Thanks for the therapy, folks…
- Last concert you went to?
Bette Midler in Manhattan – Madison Square Garden. 2006?
- Favourite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
Queen. Original – with Freddie Mercury. Period. Twice. There is no other.
DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME - YOU WILL LOSE
- Next concert you're planning to attend?
- Do you talk to yourself?
No – I’m too polite to interrupt brilliant people or madmen.
- Have you ever adopted or purchased a pet?
Purchased – never.
Since 1993, we are on rescue dogs 5, 6 and 7 – and rescue kitties 3 and 4. And we anticipate more.
Bring your antihistamines when you visit.
- Have you ever been present when an animal is being born?