Harris - I told you to leave kitty alone. Now sit down. We're going to look at some pictures of our recent trip to Vermont to see Grandma and Aunt Cee Cee...
(and to pay those unmasked bandits at the Hyundai dealership a f*cking fortune to get our car back...)
Okay - here is a picture of the trees turning their Autumnal colors as we entered Vermont
Harris! I told you to leave the kitty alone >SMACK<
And here's a lovely picture taken at the Maple Syrup store we stopped at.
I must tell you, though, that that Mercedes was just pulling in and - oh my lord, Jesus - those people from New Jersey just waddled their fat sweat-pant clad behinds into the store and decimated the free samples tray.
Before you could say "Go back to Jersey, you bums," they had devoured an entire bowl of maple-glazed pretzels, two bowls of maple-mustard dipping sauce and half of the napkins. They then decimated the maple candy samples, which - as you know - pretty much makes me faint on sight.
I mean, lordy - we're talking about beige candy here. BEIGE! And if that weren't enough - it's like eating sand! Mixed with sugar. Sugar and sand - and that awful, cloying maple taste. Oh, it's enough to make the baby Jesus cry.
Well, it was all too much for me and your uncle had to take me to the nearest restaurant to revive my spirits.
On the way, we encountered some of the "locals." They take great pride in being from here - anyone else is called a "Flatlander." After taking this picture, this friendly local man offered to sell us some Montreal Rock. I can't imagine he'd be very successful...
...after all - who wants to buy an old rock, even if it is Canadian? And the way his one eye kept orbiting in its socket, independent of its mate, was enough to send me screaming back to the car.
So after a few vodka martinis and a salad, we hit the road again. I snapped some lovely images but I think there was something wrong with the camera.
But after a while it cleared up again.
Once we reached your Auntie Cee Cee's house, Grandma was so happy to see us, she had my own special martini glass and shaker waiting.
I know we ate a bit later, but I think we watched a movie as well....something about a man...a comedy.
Anyway - the next day we got up and it was gray and rainy - Brrrr! But the leaves added lovely color to help dispel the gloom.
And here we see....
Do you see that barn? Good - because that's where poor people live - poor people with no teeth and that is where I will by God put you if you touch that damned cat again!!!
Lord-amighty Sally-Ruth, I don't know how you put up with that child of yours.
We stopped at the von Trapp tea room for lunch on our way home - oh yes! Those von Trapps! The Sound of Music people! They escaped those terrible Nazis and moved to Stowe.
Well, you know, old Maria in real life thought she was the Queen of Sheba - big Miss La te ta - in Stowe and let me tell, they still talk about her. But they have a lodge and a bakery and a tea room that serves lovely sausages. And you can ski and snow shoe - or just take in the views.
Unfortunately, on the day we stopped - the tea room was closed.
The gift shop attendant had apparently produced a gun and shot four diners before killing herself.
They have a lot of trouble with gift shop attendants at the tea room. They never last long - and some of them - at least 3 a year - commit suicide, usually during lunch.
I don't know why - it's a lovely little gift shop. You can buy postcards of Maria gazing over her kingdom of mountains and fields; various CDs of her singularly untalented grandchildren and great-grandchildren - who play all sorts of strange Bavarian type instruments; and, of course, DVDs of the Sound of Music in which that lovely Julie Andrews gives no HINT of the mad cow she will eventually become.
And oh yes - they have the soundtrack to the Sound of Music always playing on a loop over the sound system - no other music is allowed to be played.
"DOE - a dear, a female dear, RAY - a drop of golden sun...."
How could anyone not enjoy working someplace this charming? The poor girl - she must have had a mental illness.
"Make it stop-" she supposedly said before expiring in the paramedic's arms.
Well...that's about all the slides we have right now.
Oh - wait.
Oh, yes - this is the one that made our trip worthwhile.
Remember those awful people from New Jersey? With the Mercedes?
We saw them again on our way home. And they were able to inconvenience us one more time.
But the good news?
Just like you are going to be Harris - put that cat down!