Friday, January 28, 2011

Random thoughts for a Friday cocktail hour

Why do so many gay bears put pictures of  'Jem' on their Tumblr sites?  Seems weird to me.

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So - I'm at the Ghettoford the other day, in the produce section, and an elderly woman suddenly screams out loud to no on in particular, "HOW MUCH ARE THE MACINTOSH APPLES?  I'M LEGALLY BLIND!"

The produce manager appears and tries to help her by telling her the price.

"$1.39  A POUND?!  WHEN DID THEY GET TO BE SO EXPENSIVE?!?"

(Authors note:  It's winter here in the Northeastern US - it's not like the orchards are burgeoning with fruit right now)

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE THAT'S CHEAPER?"

The produce manager escorts her to some lovely Gala and Empire apples that are $0.99 a pound.

"BAG ME A POUND!  I CAN'T SEE!  I'M LEGALLY BLIND!!!"

The produce manger helps her as other bemused shoppers, like myself, are smirking at each other.

I'm already having to hide behind the potato bins because I am already snickering out loud.

"IS THAT A POUND?  WHY ARE YOUR APPLES SO EXPENSIVE?"

By this time, I simply have to slip away into the canned soup aisle to avoid exposure for the giggles emanating from me.

I picked up a few items - some sodas, martini olives, tortilla chips, and then, as I round the corner...

"IS THIS THE CRACKER AISLE?  I'M LEGALLY BLIND!"

I walked past her without looking and queried a frightened fellow shopper- sotto voce - who is artfully hiding her person behind an aerosol cheese display...

"How in the hell do you think she survived the trip here?"

"I'M NOT DEAF, YOU KNOW!"

Good thing she couldn't see me leaving a cloud of dust behind like in those old Road Runner cartoons. She's legally blind, you know.

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I was making a beef roast last night and went to pull out a cutting board that I had drying in the sink - at which time, Eddie, the world's cutest little tank dog did a very silly thing.

As I was laughing and focused on just how cute my little smootchie kootchie was, still pulling out the cutting board, I failed to see the rather large meat fork balanced precariously on the counter.

My world went electric white and painful for a second or so and when I recovered my vision, I saw that I had a 12-inch meat fork solidly piercing THE VERY ARTHRITIC JOINT of the oh-so-painful bunion on my left foot.

Trying not to panic - and already having taken our Lord's name very much in vain - I hobbled to the bathroom, removing the offending fork as I went and - oh god...

I'll spare you the details, but by the time I had begun to clot and bandaged the wound, cleaned the tub, and wiped up the floor, the roast was done.

I called Hubby down and briefly explained what had happened.  He was appropriately sympathetic and was surprised not to hear my usual histrionics with language that would make longshoremen blush, but said all the right things.

My response?

"OH MY GOD - You won't believe what Eddie did!  It was SO CUTE"

I am truly a sick person.

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If Rand Paul and Michelle Bachman had a baby, would it be nothing but a pair of big old crazy eyes?

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Things I'd like to share:

Today's 'tweet' of note about Jeopardy! playing computer system, Watson.




My soul died a little when I saw this. I think it's more because of the couch and the sink being in the same room more than anything.














Simply because I am a sick bastard.

 This is true.

I'm constantly amused by how many people don't get this.

Have a great weekend!


YAYYYYYYYYY!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

We can learn from reconnecting with the past

I just shared a story on FaceBook with a high school classmate about jumping off a diving board wearing nothing but an inflatable pterodactyl.

Those plastic seams can be vicious.

Now you know.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My day via email (or why I drink)

So - we're having a huge company event over the next two days and I have been tasked with getting some graphic images and awards on display for the visiting dignitaries.

This task was presented late last week and needs to be in place by tomorrow, but hey - I'm a man of action. That's why it was dropped in my lap.

One display was easy - it was mostly of my own creation - the awards are already in house and they are actually attractive and related to environmental conservation, making them cool and relevant. So - bingo - we're halfway home. I slap together some text and 'green' graphics and we're solid.

The other display - directly related to the big event in question - has been more of a challenge. I met with two trustworthy and highly-big-event-integrated colleagues who assured me - last week - that they would provide the imagery I needed.

Subsequently, they have waffled and hemmed and hawed and basically told me, "well - I don't think we want to show that after all."

WTF. So what can we show?

Finally, we agreed on some 'okay' pieces and they said. "oh sure - we'll get you those."

Until today - nothing. Well -nothing concrete. We've had discussions via e-mail out the ying-yang every day since. But without result. You see - we're using an 'agency' - in fact, not one - but multiple 'agencies'.

Now - in fairness - I have agency and consulting experience in my background. Basically, agencies and consultants are the people you didn't or wouldn't listen to when they worked for you - but after they left or were 'resourced - they joined 'agencies' and now make three times what you paid them before and you actually LISTEN to them and respect their ideas, mostly because they cost so damned much.

And agencies have 'visions' - ideas about how things should and should not be used.

My take - we're paying you - I will use it however I damned well please.

So - anyway - I finally have the glimmer of a chance to fulfill my display case task with at least one of the outstanding images.What we call an 'op-ad' in the trade - basically a two-page newspaper spread.

Note: Image number 2 magically appeared today after I instant messaged "Bud - I know you're slammed and whatever else is going on just please tell me if you are going to ever get me that poster or not so I can find something else, okay? I've got less than a day. You're killing me here."

But back to the other.

So today, an E-mail arrives from a woman at - well, let's just call it the "Megalithic New York Ad Agency With Whom We Spend Gazillions Each Year" - or MNYAAWWWSGEY.

For simplicity, we'll call them "Bob".

E-mail from Bob: "From Woman whose traditionally English/American yet intentionally misspelled first name indicates you are either 18 years of age, from Long Island/New Jersey, or from a country that uses very few vowels."

We'll call her "Shirlye".

Email chain:

Shirlye: Hi - this is Shirlye from Bob. Here is link to what you requested. Thank you. Have nice day.

Me: Thanks, Shirlye - the link takes me to a download page where it asks me to enter my e-mail address to download - but it refuses to acknowledge my e-mail address.

Shirlye: Here is the files(2 attached)without having to use the download express tool.

Me: These are great - there are plenty of images in here. Hoo boy - lots of images of the graphic avatar piece of the Op Ad - but boy - there's every shape, color and combination. But what is lacking is the actual full OP AD.

Shirlye: I am sorry you are having such troubles. I sent you the OP ad in another e-mail (which I never received) Here is link to the what you request.

(Me: bangs head on desk and throws pens at monitor for a few minutes, hoping random velocity will lodge one in my eye, one day ending the pain I feel.)

Me: Shirlye. You sent me back to the download tool that STILL refuses to accept my e-mail. To (my colleague on copy): Is there some kind of terminology or language thing I am missing here? This request seems very clear to me and I am running out of time - please intervene if I am drooling and rambling, as I have clearly lost my mind.

Colleague: Send me the link so I can see if my e-mail address works.

a few minutes later...

Colleague: Nope

Shirlye: I am sorry you are having such troubles.

(I am having troubles?! I am having troubles?! You, LADY, are the one with troubles! I can't believe we're paying you to be even less responsive and productive than my cat - a cat -I may say - who could do your job a damned sight better! TROUBLES! You don't know troubles - I'm stressing out about a display cabinet no one will ever see because its in the hallway next to the damned bathroom - and I am about to have SHINGLES because you and my co-worker don't understand that as menial as this request is - it means f%*ing something to someone or they wouldn't have asked me to spend days of my life chasing after a f$$@ing poster, okay?)

Shirlye: Here is new link to attachment without download and email troubles.

Minutes pass.......

Me: Thank you, Shirlye - this is exactly (f*cking finally) what I needed (even though it was the wrong size and resolution - I finally had SOMETHING).

Thank you.

Drooooool.........

Minutes pass

Shirlye: I am glad you got your troubles sorted out.

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(logs into Blogger......)

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Tune in

Updated!

Listen in as Liz and Brian return for another episode of The Garden Show with Sally Spillane on radio station WKZE!

Welcome 2011

Best wishes for a prosperous and totally classy new year!