Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Enough is enough is enough, already.

Our life here seems to be framed by tragedy these days.

Deaths in the family - our brother-in-law's partner Robert, Brian's Aunt Mary, my dad - all over the last 5 months.

Dad's prolonged illness left Mom bankrupt. I'm helping her pick up and move forward - living 2,000 miles away.  We wiped out what little savings we had at the time to pay for her lawyer and associated costs. But it's your mom - that's what you do.

And we're trying to help Brian's brother cope with his profound loss. Fortunately, he's only an hour and a half away so we can be there in person to help.

It's all a bit wearing for everyone concerned.

And just when you think the load is about to lighten, somebody else chucks a wrench in the works.

Enter - or rather - exit my brother.

We returned from Robert's memorial service weekend away two Sundays ago only to be informed by my mother that my 43 year old brother, Chris (he of the shady criminal past who had 'reformed' and was living at home, helping my recently widowed mother and trying to raise enough money to bring his wife and two children over from the Philippines) had gone to Lincoln that previous Friday night to overnight with a friend -- and had not returned.

His cell phone went unanswered.  His voicemail was full.  His frantic wife who spoke with him at least a dozen times a day by phone and on the Internet was ringing my mother's phone off the hook.

Mentally and emotionally exhausted, I suggested that perhaps he had gone off on a bender and was embarrassed and lying low.  On the off chance that he might have run afoul of some low persons, I suggested that she check his bank account (on which she is a signer) the following morning to see if anything suspicious could be found.



The following day, it was discovered that two large purchases - each in excess of $1,000 - had happened within minutes of each other on that Saturday in Lincoln.  Across the state in Iowa, a large cash withdrawal was taken out of his account on Sunday.

Mom immediately transferred his remaining monies to another account to prevent further loss. It certainly seemed like something odd had happened.

The bank called later that day.  After further investigation, it was discovered that my brother had actually gone to the Lincoln branch of their bank and written himself two large checks from other accounts...closed accounts.

Other complex transfers and manipulations had taken place.

He had also apparently attempted to purchase an airline ticket and had been declined, due to the moving of the money.

He was running.


I called Mom on Tuesday afternoon to see how she was holding up under the new information.  She informed me that her best friend and fellow church deacon, Ruth, was visiting with her and she would call me shortly.

When she called, her voice was shaking.  Ruth had informed her that while Chris was performing handyman duties for her the previous summer, she had loaned him $4,000 to help him afford a plane ticket to visit his family.  A trip he never made.

He had taken money from his mother's best friend while living under her roof for 8 months and she never knew.

Mom was shattered.

My brother's wife was informed the next time she called and went into panic overdrive. Requests for money for rent, utilities and food began to flood in by phone and by email to my mother.  She begged for one of us to sponsor the family to support them and bring them over.  It was even suggested that I step in as a replacement for my brother, which my mother immediately rebuffed (Thank God).

All my bank accounts, investments and credit reports are secured. Local department of motor vehicles is contacted and notified to mark my record to not issue a duplicate license without certain proofs of identity.

I've been through this before.


I receive an email from the Philippines entitled "have mercy on us" and I just want to cry.

His wife is desperate not to rely on family locally. Mom tells her she will have to.  The money is gone - and there is no more.  I find out that Mom has been sending what she can to them regularly - doing without while my brother contributes some of what he makes and apparently continues to plot.

I offer to call what few relatives we stay in touch with, knowing how mortified and embarrassed she is.  That's when I find out that during an episode where Chris needed repairs to his truck to keep working - and neither Mom or I had the loose cash - my godfather loaned him $1,000.  More money gone, never to be repaid.

My cousins and my godfather are, of course, sensitive and supportive.

I phone Mom that evening and we decide that she is going to move to New York to live near me.  Brian has always said she is welcome to stay - Mom says she refuses to live with us.  I agree - but insist that staying with us until we find her a place of her own is absolutely going to happen.

The night before, I emailed my managers at work, letting them in on what was developing.  The replies and offers of assistance I received - and the assurances that Mom comes first at no peril to my job - left me weeping with joy.  I'm not religious, but I feel truly blessed and so grateful to have the folks around me in my life.  There are none better.

Light begins to creep in around the edges of the cloud hanging over us.  Mom has a mission.  I have a renewed and more confident role in helping her move to a new chapter.  Brian has a guest room to gut and redo which has him over the moon.

It's a win-win-win.


Mom and I talk.  She sounds better.  I feel better.

Shes contacting a realtor.  Her bankruptcy court date is set for late April.

I'm gonna shoot to have her here for Mother's Day - or at least be there helping her pack.


I remember that Mom and Chris had purchased a new sink and floor tiles for the kitchen to improve the house for resale.  I suggest that with no one there to install them, she return them to the store.

No good.  $200 worth of floor tiles and the sales receipt disappeared with him.

It's been relatively quiet ever since.

Mom and I talk daily now.  She moving ahead, clearing out the house.  My brother's belongings are boxed and out of the house.

She is focused on getting that house ready to sell.

She went to church on Sunday, played with her bridge club on Monday and led her bible study group on Tuesday.  Today, she's meeting up with the handful of friends that she and Dad used to have coffee with every Wednesday morning.

She is going on with her life.

I'm making inquiries at several local agencies and communities that deal with income-based affordable housing for active seniors (Mom is only 71 and never stops moving).

I'm also estimating moving costs, researching airline tickets and losing my mind trying to figure out when and for how long I need to be back there to help her out.

We talked again last night. While cleaning out the room my Dad and brother used for their computer stuff, books and miscellaneous crap, my Mom found a box of papers stuffed under the desk.

In it were bank records, marriage and divorce certificates, birth certificates, and other documentation showing that he had been planning this escape for quite some time.

Having dealt with more than two decades of my brothers activities (including years of clean-up from the theft of my identity  - including clearing up a three year stay in a federal penitentiary that I never had the pleasure of serving) I'm not surprised. Nor am I hurt or disappointed.  I've had to get tough that way.

What does hurt me is hearing my mother's tears of disappointment.  She really thought her prayers had been answered and that her youngest had found his way back.  In some measure, I think she was looking forward to being a grandmother again - another something my brother gave her then screwed up years before with my other, older nephews.

It's a sad statement that it would have been preferable to have heard that my brother had been robbed and left in a ditch somewhere.  We'd still have grief, but we wouldn't have the betrayal to deal with.

I just need to keep her whole until I can get her here.

My brother's family in the Philippines have made a connection with a charitable religious organization in Canada that can help them emigrate.  And after two years, they can become Canadian citizens.

Somehow we will all survive.  And I am sure that one day we will all be together - in person for the first time.  Even if it just for a visit.

But I know that we will always wonder... Why did you?  How could you?

And we'll never know the answer.

Update:  I almost forgot to mention that there are also indications that there might be another woman involved.  Ain't he a peach?


Bob said...

"She is going on with her life."

That's what you all do.
Your brother has gone on with his, for better or worse, so must you all.

Hopefully from here on in it's all roses for Mama. said...

Your mother is very lucky to have you. And you're very lucky to have Brian. In the end, you'll be able to look back and say that you had no regrets.

Your brother won't.

Thanks for sharing your touching story and know that you have fans that are cheering you on.

Ask the Cool Cookie said...

God, sounds as if having Linda Harvy ask you o sit on her face would have been a good thing.

Hang in there...what is, fterll, the alternative?

Tiger WestWind said...

I am truly sorry for your troubles, Hon. At least you all have each other. Keeping you all in my heart and thoughts. ((HUGS)) :(